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Submitted by Art Kettelhut

"Over a million people marched today in cities across the country to protest immigration laws. And while we were watching them do that, a million more people snuck across the U.S./Mexican border." --Jay Leno

"The Senate failed to reach a compromise on immigration legislation, which would have allowed illegal immigrants who have been in the U.S. longer than five years to remain, while those who have been here between two years and five years would have to leave, but could return as guest workers. And immigrants here less than two years will be right back with your entrees." --Tina Fey

"This is what I don't get about this. They've got oil. Their citizens love the United States. Forget Iraq, we should have invaded Mexico." --Jay Leno

"You know these people coming across the border willing to work hard? I say make them senators. They couldn't do any worse of a job than these guys are doing." --Jay Leno

"The big immigration bill is dead for now. Some are saying the Republicans didn't really want this bill because it's really more useful for them to have a wedge issue of illegal aliens, the same way they had gay marriage in 2004. That poor Ricky Martin. He just can't catch a break." --Bill Maher

"Under this Senate compromise, the 11 million illegals would be put into three different groups: mild, medium and caliente." --Bill Maher

"The good news is that Congress is cracking down on illegal immigration. The bads news: a head of lettuce will now cost $300." --Jay Leno

"This problem with illegal immigration is nothing new. In fact, the Indians had a special name for it. They called it 'white people.'" --Jay Leno

"Have you been watching the Senate debating the immigration bill? It's great. Every time somebody says 'undocumented worker,' Ted Kennedy does a tequila shot." --David Letterman

"President Bush is down in Mexico right now. Again, I don't think President Bush gets it. As soon as he stepped off Air Force Once, he looked around and said, 'Wow, you got a big problem with Mexican immigrants down here, too.'" --Jay Leno

"This past week there were half a million illegal immigrants on the streets of Los Angeles and that was before the protests. That was Friday. ... Half a million people? It looked like career day at Wal-Mart." --Jay Leno

"Proponents of this amnesty program for illegal immigrants say they are willing to take on jobs American are not willing to do. You know, like come up with an immigration policy." --Jay Leno

"President Bush surprised 30 immigrants by showing up and personally swearing them in as U.S. citizens. ... There was an awkward moment when President Bush said, 'You may now kiss the bride.'" --Conan O'Brien